101 Funny Quotes

Welcome to the 101 Funny Quotes Blog.

These here are 101 of the funniest quotes we found.
Feel free to quote them, use on your status updates, Tweet them, text message or print them if you must.

Beside these 101 of our favorite Short, cool, witty and memorable Funny Quotes we will also updating 1000s of funny quotes categorized in under some interesting topics as well as funny topics by some of the funniest people who have walked the earth.

Here be our 101 Funny Quotes:

101)"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
~ Noelie Altito. (PS: It is definitely not the short cut)

100) "Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."

99) "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics."
~Benjamin Disraeli

98) "There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out."
~Mae West

97) "This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last."
~Oscar Wilde

96) "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not-
sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
~ Robert McCloskey

95) "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am- saying."
~ Oscar Wilde

94) "I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.”
~Oscar Wilde

93) "I have never been hurt by what I have not said."
~Calvin Coolidge

92) "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
~Fred Allen

91) "My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil."
~Paul Getty

90) "In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
~Oscar Wilde

89) "Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."
~Spike Milligan

87) "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
~Rodney Dangerfield

86) "It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
~George Burns

85) "It is most unwise for people in love to marry."
~George Bernard Shaw

84) "It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the successes of one's friends that are hard to bear."
~Oscar Wilde

83) "Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own."
~Woody Allen

84) "I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.”
~Oscar Wilde

82)I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
~W. C. Fields

81) "It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
~Woody Allen

80) "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
~ Oscar Wilde

79) "It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.
~Mae West

78) "If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
~Joan Rivers

77) "I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."
~Walt Disney

76) "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
~Lily Tomlin

75) "It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly."
~ Oscar Wilde

74) "Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected."
~Robert Orben

73) "My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
~Mike Myers

72) "I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do."
~Will Rogers

72) "I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
~Steven Wright

71) "I never said most of the things I said."
~Yogi Berra

70) "If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer."
~Yogi Berra

69) "My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
~Spike Milligan

68) "Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers."
~P. J. O'Rourke

67) "I'm tired, send one of them home."
~Mae West, When told there were 10 men waiting to meet her in her dressing-room.

68) "I think serial monogamy says it all."
~Tracey Ullman

66) "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
~Woody Allen

65) "I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."
~Robert Benchley

64) "In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life."
~George Best

63) "Life is hard. After all, it kills you."
~Katharine Hepburn

62) "If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
~Laurence J. Peter

61) "It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."
~Dave Barry

60) "In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane."
~ Oscar Wilde

59) "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her."
~ Agatha Christie

58) "If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
~Woody Allen

57) "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
~George Burns

56) "A line is a dot that went for a walk."
~ Paul Klee

55) "Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
~Groucho Marx

54) "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."
~H. L. Mencken

53) "If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?"
~ Tom Snyder

52) "In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
~Rita Rudner

51) "I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
~Woody Allen

50) "By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation."
~ Oscar Wilde

49) "It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."
~H. L. Mencken

48) "One man's folly is another man's wife."
~Helen Rowland

47) "Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative."
~Henry A. Kissinger

46) "My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."
~Emo Philips

45) "Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."
~Robert Orben

44) "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
~Mitch Hedberg

43) "It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it."
~Mae West

42) "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
~Woody Allen

41) "I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!"
~ Will Rogers

40) "I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem. "

39) "O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
~Saint Augustine

38) "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
~W. C. Fields

37) "TV is chewing gum for the eyes."
~Frank Lloyd Wright

36) "ou got to be careful if you dont know where your'e going, because you might not get there."
~ Yogi Berra

35) "A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him."
~Mae West

34) "I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury."
~George Burns

33) "It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. "

32) "Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

31) "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
Groucho Marx

30) "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
~Mae West

29) "I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself."
~Mae West

28) "Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved."
~Rita Rudner

27) "Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself."
~Mae West

26) "Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children."
~Samuel Butler

25) "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra

24) "He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces."
~Mae West

23) "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
~Mark Twain

22) "I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries."
~Stephen King

21) "People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
~Ellen DeGeneres

20) "A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'."
~Woody Allen

19) "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

18) "Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
~George Carlin

17) "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein

16) "Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where
you heard it."
~Laurence J. Peter

15) "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
~Lily Tomlin

14) "He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career."
~George Bernard Shaw

13) "Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems."
~Homer Simpson

12) "We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."
~George Bernard Shaw

11) ""I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"~Homer J. Simpson

10) "If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life."
~Tommy Lasorda

9) "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
~W.C. Fields

8) "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
~Mae West

7) "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

6) "I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
Bob Hope

5) ~I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.~
~Woody Allen

4) "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
~Author Unknown

3) "If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names."
~Elbert Hubbard

2) "His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
~Woody Allen

1) "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."