101 Funny Quotes
Welcome to the 101 Funny Quotes Blog.
These here are 101 of the funniest quotes we found.
Feel free to quote them, use on your status updates, Tweet them, text message or print them if you must.
Beside these 101 of our favorite Short, cool, witty and memorable Funny Quotes we will also updating 1000s of funny quotes categorized in under some interesting topics as well as funny topics by some of the funniest people who have walked the earth.
Here be our 101 Funny Quotes:
101)"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
~ Noelie Altito. (PS: It is definitely not the short cut)
100) "Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."
~Unknown.
99) "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics."
~Benjamin Disraeli
98) "There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out."
~Mae West
97) "This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last."
~Oscar Wilde
96) "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not-
sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
~ Robert McCloskey
95) "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am- saying."
~ Oscar Wilde
94) "I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.”
~Oscar Wilde
93) "I have never been hurt by what I have not said."
~Calvin Coolidge
92) "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
~Fred Allen
91) "My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil."
~Paul Getty
90) "In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
~Oscar Wilde
89) "Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."
~Spike Milligan
87) "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
~Rodney Dangerfield
86) "It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
~George Burns
85) "It is most unwise for people in love to marry."
~George Bernard Shaw
84) "It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the successes of one's friends that are hard to bear."
~Oscar Wilde
83) "Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own."
~Woody Allen
84) "I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.”
~Oscar Wilde
82)I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
~W. C. Fields
81) "It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
~Woody Allen
80) "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
~ Oscar Wilde
79) "It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.
~Mae West
78) "If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
~Joan Rivers
77) "I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."
~Walt Disney
76) "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
~Lily Tomlin
75) "It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly."
~ Oscar Wilde
74) "Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected."
~Robert Orben
73) "My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
~Mike Myers
72) "I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do."
~Will Rogers
72) "I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
~Steven Wright
71) "I never said most of the things I said."
~Yogi Berra
70) "If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer."
~Yogi Berra
69) "My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
~Spike Milligan
68) "Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers."
~P. J. O'Rourke
67) "I'm tired, send one of them home."
~Mae West, When told there were 10 men waiting to meet her in her dressing-room.
68) "I think serial monogamy says it all."
~Tracey Ullman
66) "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
~Woody Allen
65) "I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."
~Robert Benchley
64) "In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life."
~George Best
63) "Life is hard. After all, it kills you."
~Katharine Hepburn
62) "If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
~Laurence J. Peter
61) "It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."
~Dave Barry
60) "In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane."
~ Oscar Wilde
59) "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her."
~ Agatha Christie
58) "If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
~Woody Allen
57) "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
~George Burns
56) "A line is a dot that went for a walk."
~ Paul Klee
55) "Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
~Groucho Marx
54) "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."
~H. L. Mencken
53) "If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?"
~ Tom Snyder
52) "In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
~Rita Rudner
51) "I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
~Woody Allen
50) "By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation."
~ Oscar Wilde
49) "It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."
~H. L. Mencken
48) "One man's folly is another man's wife."
~Helen Rowland
47) "Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative."
~Henry A. Kissinger
46) "My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."
~Emo Philips
45) "Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."
~Robert Orben
44) "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
~Mitch Hedberg
43) "It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it."
~Mae West
42) "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
~Woody Allen
41) "I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!"
~ Will Rogers
40) "I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem. "
39) "O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
~Saint Augustine
38) "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
~W. C. Fields
37) "TV is chewing gum for the eyes."
~Frank Lloyd Wright
36) "ou got to be careful if you dont know where your'e going, because you might not get there."
~ Yogi Berra
35) "A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him."
~Mae West
34) "I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury."
~George Burns
33) "It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. "
32) "Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
31) "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
Groucho Marx
30) "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
~Mae West
29) "I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself."
~Mae West
28) "Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved."
~Rita Rudner
27) "Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself."
~Mae West
26) "Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children."
~Samuel Butler
25) "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra
24) "He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces."
~Mae West
23) "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
~Mark Twain
22) "I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries."
~Stephen King
21) "People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
~Ellen DeGeneres
20) "A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'."
~Woody Allen
19) "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
18) "Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
~George Carlin
17) "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
16) "Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where
you heard it."
~Laurence J. Peter
15) "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
~Lily Tomlin
14) "He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career."
~George Bernard Shaw
13) "Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems."
~Homer Simpson
12) "We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."
~George Bernard Shaw
11) ""I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"~Homer J. Simpson
10) "If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life."
~Tommy Lasorda
9) "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
~W.C. Fields
8) "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
~Mae West
7) "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
6) "I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
Bob Hope
5) ~I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.~
~Woody Allen
4) "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
~Author Unknown
3) "If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names."
~Elbert Hubbard
2) "His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
~Woody Allen
1) "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
These here are 101 of the funniest quotes we found.
Feel free to quote them, use on your status updates, Tweet them, text message or print them if you must.
Beside these 101 of our favorite Short, cool, witty and memorable Funny Quotes we will also updating 1000s of funny quotes categorized in under some interesting topics as well as funny topics by some of the funniest people who have walked the earth.
Here be our 101 Funny Quotes:
101)"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
~ Noelie Altito. (PS: It is definitely not the short cut)
100) "Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."
~Unknown.
99) "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics."
~Benjamin Disraeli
98) "There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out."
~Mae West
97) "This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last."
~Oscar Wilde
96) "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not-
sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
~ Robert McCloskey
95) "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am- saying."
~ Oscar Wilde
94) "I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.”
~Oscar Wilde
93) "I have never been hurt by what I have not said."
~Calvin Coolidge
92) "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
~Fred Allen
91) "My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil."
~Paul Getty
90) "In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
~Oscar Wilde
89) "Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."
~Spike Milligan
87) "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
~Rodney Dangerfield
86) "It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
~George Burns
85) "It is most unwise for people in love to marry."
~George Bernard Shaw
84) "It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the successes of one's friends that are hard to bear."
~Oscar Wilde
83) "Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own."
~Woody Allen
84) "I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.”
~Oscar Wilde
82)I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
~W. C. Fields
81) "It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
~Woody Allen
80) "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
~ Oscar Wilde
79) "It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.
~Mae West
78) "If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
~Joan Rivers
77) "I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."
~Walt Disney
76) "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
~Lily Tomlin
75) "It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly."
~ Oscar Wilde
74) "Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected."
~Robert Orben
73) "My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
~Mike Myers
72) "I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do."
~Will Rogers
72) "I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
~Steven Wright
71) "I never said most of the things I said."
~Yogi Berra
70) "If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer."
~Yogi Berra
69) "My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
~Spike Milligan
68) "Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers."
~P. J. O'Rourke
67) "I'm tired, send one of them home."
~Mae West, When told there were 10 men waiting to meet her in her dressing-room.
68) "I think serial monogamy says it all."
~Tracey Ullman
66) "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
~Woody Allen
65) "I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."
~Robert Benchley
64) "In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life."
~George Best
63) "Life is hard. After all, it kills you."
~Katharine Hepburn
62) "If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
~Laurence J. Peter
61) "It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."
~Dave Barry
60) "In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane."
~ Oscar Wilde
59) "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her."
~ Agatha Christie
58) "If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
~Woody Allen
57) "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
~George Burns
56) "A line is a dot that went for a walk."
~ Paul Klee
55) "Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
~Groucho Marx
54) "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."
~H. L. Mencken
53) "If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?"
~ Tom Snyder
52) "In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
~Rita Rudner
51) "I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
~Woody Allen
50) "By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation."
~ Oscar Wilde
49) "It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."
~H. L. Mencken
48) "One man's folly is another man's wife."
~Helen Rowland
47) "Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative."
~Henry A. Kissinger
46) "My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."
~Emo Philips
45) "Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."
~Robert Orben
44) "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
~Mitch Hedberg
43) "It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it."
~Mae West
42) "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
~Woody Allen
41) "I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!"
~ Will Rogers
40) "I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem. "
39) "O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
~Saint Augustine
38) "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
~W. C. Fields
37) "TV is chewing gum for the eyes."
~Frank Lloyd Wright
36) "ou got to be careful if you dont know where your'e going, because you might not get there."
~ Yogi Berra
35) "A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him."
~Mae West
34) "I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury."
~George Burns
33) "It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. "
32) "Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
31) "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
Groucho Marx
30) "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
~Mae West
29) "I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself."
~Mae West
28) "Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved."
~Rita Rudner
27) "Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself."
~Mae West
26) "Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children."
~Samuel Butler
25) "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra
24) "He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces."
~Mae West
23) "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
~Mark Twain
22) "I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries."
~Stephen King
21) "People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
~Ellen DeGeneres
20) "A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'."
~Woody Allen
19) "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
18) "Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
~George Carlin
17) "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
16) "Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where
you heard it."
~Laurence J. Peter
15) "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
~Lily Tomlin
14) "He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career."
~George Bernard Shaw
13) "Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems."
~Homer Simpson
12) "We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."
~George Bernard Shaw
11) ""I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"~Homer J. Simpson
10) "If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life."
~Tommy Lasorda
9) "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
~W.C. Fields
8) "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
~Mae West
7) "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
6) "I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
Bob Hope
5) ~I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.~
~Woody Allen
4) "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
~Author Unknown
3) "If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names."
~Elbert Hubbard
2) "His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
~Woody Allen
1) "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
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